AISHLIA

When it gets too much to bear.

I know with each death somehow the society around you believes it is suppose to get easier. They expect you to get back on your feet faster each time.

However, they dont get it death is not something one simply learns from or gets used to, for them to move on faster each time. Everyone of the departed have left you with a special set of memories and no death could feel the same.  I dare say it, it gets harder each and every time.

I’ve been trying really really hard. Every year since 2011 for the past three years i’ve been losing a grandparent, my beloved grandma just about three weeks ago left me too. I swear its hard, the whole cycle repeating itself, getting back up again and trying to put the strong front so the people around so that they dont have to worry about you.

Memories at every freaking corner you turn, you say its a good memory you smile and try to swallow that tear down. That one tear you swallow, cripples your heart for that moment, almost feels like you cant breathe but you say you’ll be okay cause you are suppose to be.

I miss all my grandparents so damn much. I still tear up like a baby, i still cant believe i lost yet another grandparent.

She would call and speak to me atleast once a week, she knows about the work i did for my internship, she would call and pester me to learn how to cook, she would let me complain to her about my mum listening to horror ghost stories on the radio at night, she would tell me stories about how she stole her fathers’ crops to eat ice ball, she would let me spoil her by letting me get junk food for her.

I am going to miss you calling me on the phone to complain about grandpa, i will miss you asking me to take you to the temple, i will miss trying to give you suprise visits. Well i guess you gave me the biggest suprise.

I was suppose to give you money from my first pay, i was suppose to take you out for lunch and heck, if i were to ever get married, you were suppose to be there.

It will take time, lots of it, to help ease the pain of the suppose-to-be events i had in my head.